so, i decided to start writing down my day-to-day thoughts because i feel as if someday i will want to remember this time of my life and it will all be a blur, as most memories of great times are.
in the past 16 months i have given birth twice, quit my job of four years, started a business with my mom, and survived my mother’s battle (and surviorship) of inflammatory breast cancer. oh yeah, and moved twice in 6 months. it’s been quite the exciting past two years. someday i think i will look back and laugh in disbelief. hence this journal, i don’t know if i will believe everything that has happened when i look back.
lincoln was born on september 17, 2008 after a wonderful, relaxing pregnancy and easy 4 hour birth. he was a dream baby, cute as can be, a little high maintenance but we didn’t know any better because he was the only baby we knew. he never quit moving. not in the womb and not once he freed himself (he literally ‘broke’ his own water bag via kicks) and he was hilarious to watch as he kicked the floors til his heels bruised and kipped in place and bounced and jumped and basically anything that was possible. he was our missing piece.
not long after his birth we found out my mom had breast cancer. to be specific we found out that thanksgiving. it was a bittersweet holiday season and by bittersweet i mean horrible. there were lots of tears. i learned the hard way that when you are told your parent might die you vomit. i was set to go back to work in january and my mom was set to be lincoln’s nanny. she didn’t want to give that up, or she still felt the need to take care of me-i’m still not sure which. i was in a daze. i don’t think i could really process life much at that point. too many feelings. too many thoughts. life went on, just a different kind of life. life as we knew it was over. now there was a baby, and a battle. and i had to learn how to live in a different way. a way that included night time cuddling with lincoln. and words like mastectomy, and chemo, and oncologists. and we rallied. my mom did what she did best, she held us all together. she studied and though she doesn’t think she read books then, she read and read about cancer and how to beat it. she lost her hair, but never her sense of humor. she grew tired, but never stopped going. she told me once, “cancer doesn’t have a heart. it doesn’t have a soul, it can’t think. it doesn’t want to kill me as much as i want to live.” and live she did.
and in january, in the midst of this all, i found out i was pregnant again. a true shocker, but i felt very calm about it. in fact, i went to bed one night and prayed for guidance for the future, i woke up the next day and felt the urge to take a pregnancy test (don’t know why) and discovered i was pregnant. talk about a sign. i suddenly knew what to do. leave my job. concentrate on family. my mom and i set about starting a business, a fair trade store that would involve both of us working together with both babies. a dream life.
2009 went on to be the best worst year ever. my mom had cancer. but she lived. i quit my job. but started a business that i love. i was tired, stressed, pregnant, worked too hard and too much. but i ended the year with two beautiful babies. i can’t say that 2009 was the worst year because it’s the year my mom lived. it’s the year stella was born. it’s the year that we held onto family and forgot things of this world. in some ways it was the best year of my life.