Big decisions tend to make themselves.  I read that this morning.  I also read that Americans are about to have a spending spree, that they have been holding their money too tight for too long and everyone is about to go gungho in shopping.  Seriously?  We open a business in the recession and close right before the shopping spree hits?  Then I read the line about big decisions making themselves and it made sense.

We were pulled into opening the business.  And we are being pushed into closing.  Both times it felt like there was a force beyond us doing the pushing and pulling.   Sure, we could hold on and wait it out.  Take out a loan to pad our pockets and see if the spending spree happens.  But what happens when it doesn’t?  or what happens if does and I start working even crazier than I did before?  And suddenly the kids are in middle school and I didn’t take those last few years to connect with them and explore the world?  The decision was made by someone that can see a lot farther into the future than I can.  I’m kinda glad that some of the big ones are taken care of, that all I have to do is be around for the ride and stay resilient.

That being said, on our way to work this morning I realized I was excited to get there.  That I was doing what I normally do and going to work 2 hours early.  I realized that I look forward to working.  And then a slight panic feeling set in when I realized that I won’t have any ‘work’ to do soon.  Sure, I will have the work of the ‘moming’ as a good friend calls it.  The laundry, the dishes, the play dough, reading and wiping and creating and explaining and all those damn sippy cups to fill and find.  but I won’t GO TO WORK.  I won’t, for the first time in 15 years, oversee something (other than my backyard).  I won’t have a little section of the world to create and control.  For a creative control freak, that’s a hard pill to swallow.

I have three more weeks until ‘summer vacation’ hits.  And as much as I am looking forward to playing with play dough and reading Peter Pan, I also know that closing the store doors for the last time will be one of the hardest things I will do.